


Let It Be Me (Feels Like Home Universe)

by jupiter_james



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: AU, Angst, Feels Like Home, JM Shepard, M/M, mute!Shepard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-03-01
Packaged: 2018-03-15 21:04:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3461954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jupiter_james/pseuds/jupiter_james
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Though mute now, Shepard finds a way to share his music with Kaidan.</p><p>This is a short add-on ficlet from <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/3303362">War, After</a> that I wrote for <a href="http://ltleflrt.tumblr.com">ltleflrt</a>, based on her amazing Mass Effect AU, <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/1014392/chapters/2014365">Feels Like Home</a>. It's a wonderful read. Please give it a look if you haven't already.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let It Be Me (Feels Like Home Universe)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ltleflrt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ltleflrt/gifts).



He'd never get used to it, the still silence. Matt looked around the darkening living room with a lonely expression he was sure Kaidan would make fun of him for, were he here to actually see it. He zipped his hoodie up to his chin and collapsed onto the sofa, resting his head back against the cushions. Tiny Normandy jumped up beside him and ratcheted up the purring before Shepard had even reached his hand out for a head butt. They'd picked out the scraggly little thing before Kaidan had left for his latest medical conference. He hadn't wanted Shepard to be lonely when he spent so much time away.

On the one hand, Shepard was glad for him being so in demand for lectures on field trauma medicine. Kaidan had written a few papers on how to integrate field treatment into actual hospital practice to improve response times; potentially shortening exam times, surgery times, and improving outcomes for seriously injured patients, thereby reducing everything from emergency room wait times to overall hospital expenditures. The papers had been well-received. And so had Kaidan. Now he traveled to medical conferences all over the country to lecture. Sometimes he was gone for a whole week.

Shepard sighed hugely. Though from day to day he didn't mind his mental problems too much, it would have been damn nice to be able to close the repair shop for a few days here and there to travel with Kaidan. The hospitals and conventions themselves paid for transportation, lodging in swanky hotels and resorts, and two meals a day for contributing doctors and their families. As a courtesy, Kaidan asked Shepard every time to go with him, but he couldn't. After so much time being home, he would have liked to be able to leave Citadel sometimes, but it had become easy to ignore the exposure therapy. Kaidan didn't press him. He didn't need much outside of the small town. Now when he so much as thought about leaving the town limits, his lungs burned and anxiety clenched around his heart. It frustrated him endlessly. Kaidan got to go to nice places. Hawaii, Florida, Colorado, California. And every time he packed his suitcase and loaded it into the car, he'd try his best not to look too despondent in front of Shepard because he understood the man's issues with travel. But Shepard noticed when Kaidan thought he wasn't looking. It hurt. Kaidan probably even more so. Maybe someday soon... soon. Shepard resolved to talk with him about it when he got home. Maybe he'd be able to help again with the exposure therapy.

For now, though... the house was too quiet. He didn't feel like adding noise in the typical manner for the moment. TV seemed unappealing and his iPod list was getting old.

He reached over to turn on the side table lamp, and his gaze fell on his old, acoustic guitar. He scooted over on the couch to get closer to it, then ran his fingers over the polished wood. Picked it up and strummed it. Wow. Out of tune. He took his time getting the instrument back into order. It calmed him somehow. He picked at the strings for a minute, then some chords. He wasn't exactly paying attention while the chords formed into a song. It took him a little while until he realized he was strumming out some Garth Brooks purely by muscle memory. A small smile touched his lips, first in pleasure and then sadness when he remembered he couldn't even hum along. Just like that, his fingers stilled and the music disappeared from the room.

Saying it was a damn shame was too little. Once upon a time he'd fancied himself a good singer. Knew how to work the stage, even though it was just on karaoke nights. He probably could have been a musician if he'd given it a chance. More than that, it was sort of sad Kaidan would never know that side of him. Never be able to hear it. Music had been everything to him during the low times and lonely days. He'd have liked to share that part of himself.

He paused. He still could. He really still could. It was the last part of him that Kaidan didn't know, but he had to. He should. It was the least he could do. Shepard put the guitar aside and made his way back to the bedroom where his laptop was charging. Digging into the closet he pulled out shoes, small boxes, oh- _that's_ where that box of Christmas ornaments had run off to. Aha. Here it was. His old external hard drive tucked into its box. He hadn't looked at the contents in a couple of years now, but he was sure this had exactly what he was searching for.

Back in the living room, he set his laptop and drive on the coffee table, plugged in his headphones and waited for everything to boot. Several clicks later he found the old music folder. He'd recorded a lot of music back in the day. Most of them were rough cuts of him singing with his guitar, recorded using Audacity on this very laptop in this very room. He sampled a handful of the tracks and after a few minutes was content that this would do just fine. He dragged a selection of songs over into a new folder and burned them all to CD. He labeled the CD, "To Kaidan: Feels Like Home" and cleared his throat at the tears that threatened to clog his airway. The moment passed and he typed up a track list to add to the jewel case. It wasn't much, but it was something. He was sure that Kaidan would appreciate it.

* * *

Kaidan returned home two days later to both an enthusiastic greeting that involved accidentally popping two buttons off of his light blue dress shirt, though neither complained about the mishap, especially not Shepard as he fell to his hands and knees on the bed, welcoming Kaidan into the most intimate parts of him with a sigh of relief that swept away two weeks of loneliness.

And when they were done, the sky outside dark, Kaidan glanced towards the night stand. "Were you playing your guitar while I was gone?"

Shepard sat up and flipped on the bedside light. He nodded and opened the top drawer of the nightstand, pulling the CD out. He handed it to his lover.

Kaidan arched an eyebrow and turned it over to see the track list. He smiled. "You made me a mix tape?"

Shepard raised his hands to sign, _sort of. It's special. Listen to it._

"Right now?"

Shepard nodded again.

"All right." He opened the case and handed the CD to Shepard to put into the portable player next to the bed. When he straightened up again he was holding his guitar. That made Kaidan sit up even straighter and slide his legs over the edge of the bed next to Shepard. "Matt?"

The first track started, "Let It Be Me" by Ray La Montagne. Without looking at Kaidan, Shepard strummed the song from memory while his tinny, recorded voice filled the room.

Kaidan listened for a moment in silence and then his eyes widened. Shepard could feel the change in Kaidan's body beside him as realization dawned on him slowly. He kept playing, but watched his lover out of the corner of his eye. Kaidan's lips parted. Closed. Parted again. "Is that... is that you singing?"

A single nod from Shepard.

Kaidan bowed his head and didn't bother to even wipe away the tears as they splashed onto his knees. He cried and Shepard kept playing. Ray faded into Garth Brooks, who faded into Josh Groban, who faded into Michael Buble while Kaidan covered his face with both hands and Shepard played on. Then Shepard's hands stilled when he couldn't remember the chords to Kenny Chesney, but Kaidan didn't mind. He reached over Shepard and turned the CD player off. Shepard put his guitar back on the stand. Kaidan's face was splotchy, his eyes swollen and bright as the tears dried, and it broke Shepard's heart more than Kaidan's heart was broken at learning this last piece of him.

Shepard cupped Kaidan's face in his hands and wiped the tear tracks away with his thumbs. Kaidan gripped his forearms and pressed his cheek into the touch like he was trying to ward off a headache. "I'm sorry," he said, voice so rough it was more of a whisper.

With a firm shake of his head, Shepard tapped their foreheads together before pulling back so that he could sign. _I'm here because of you._

Kaidan coughed. "Yeah, but Matt... that music... I've never heard anything so beautiful ever."

Smiling sadly, Shepard pointed to his guitar, then to Kaidan, then to himself. _I have no voice._ He shrugged like he didn't care. _You gave me more._

Kaidan surged towards him and kissed him hard. Shepard held him tightly, rubbing his back until he stopped trembling. "Are you trying to tell me you think you gained more than you lost?" Shepard's grin curved against Kaidan's shoulder. "That's the best thing anyone's ever told me. I've been feeling so incredibly guilty this whole time. Thinking about what you don't have rather than what you do."

Sliding his hands up Kaidan's back gently, Shepard pushed him away a little and gestured back and forth between them. _This is more. I love you._

Kaidan's laugh was rusty, but tender. His fingers touched the scars lancing across Shepard's face. Then he flattened his palm against them. Shepard closed his eyes. "I love you too, Matt. I won't be sorry anymore. I'll just be grateful."

Matt pointed to himself and nodded. He would, too. That was how the healing could reach the deepest wounds. And it would. It always would.


End file.
